This is my Manasseh

 

Manasseh’s name literally means “making forgetful”; Joseph said he chose that name “because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household” (Genesis 41:51). Joseph had a new life in Egypt and a new family.

This is my anthem in this season, Anna Golden has a new song called “Manasseh” and it couldn’t ring any truer “you’ve traded all my traumas for vantages of GRACE. Your goodness washes over the pain of my past. All my broken places you’re rewriting all that’s been written.” 

When I first heard this song I was really drawn to it, but wow tonight it just hit so deeply I’m just sitting here in my living room with tears streaming down my face of how faithful the God we serve is. I look back and this is my 100th blog. I have been writing this blog since high school and the freedom God has brought in my life and the faithfulness never ceases to amaze me. I look back on some of my posts about the pain of miscarriages I went through to now holding a beautiful daughter in my arms and another daughter on her way. Pain can be forgotten when blessings are reminded, read that again pain can be forgotten when blessings are reminded. 

I sit here late at night just in peace, looking back on today and how amazing today was today. The thousands of gifts God has given me even in a 24 hour time period. The joy of my daughter, the laughter and the love of my husband. But most of all the faithfulness of God there has been many times in my life that I have turned from God but every time He remains faithful and it’s like the mighty mountains. It will never give up or fail us. While we can be faithless He remains faithful. 

The life I’m living is answered prayers after answered prayers. We can have Manasseh in our lives so much of my life I felt to live in the pain, but there is so much more than the pain you’re living in. I certainly looking back didn’t understand God’s timing but seeing it is so true His timing is perfect, He has made everything beautiful in His time. I look back over the hardest years and He always came through for me even at the last minute. Never once did I lack as Psalm 23 says the Lord is my Shepherd, I lack no thing. 

I look back and see no more years taken but the faithfulness of the Loving Father, the faithfulness of the provision in the desert seasons. The manna He provided me to sustain me daily, the daily bread. The living water flowing from Calvary to quench the heart beats, to coat the heart breaks and to lead me to the still waters. 

How He has rewrote a new story for me. We have two choices in this life we can let the pain lead us down a dark path or we can turn to Jesus and let Him paint a new masterpiece. To let the broken pieces be placed together to make a beautiful stained glass portrait. We can do everything in our might to ease the pain, we can turn to drugs, alcohol, sex and other addictions but until you turn to God, saying God wash over my past you will be running for a long time. The further you run away from God you’ll end up running right into him. 

He is still God, nothing can phase Him or move Him from His position on the throne. We have this hope now as talked in Hebrews that we can run to the throne room in our time of trouble and He will answer us, as the veil was torn. 

We look back on Genesis 50:20 “you intended to harm me but GOD intended it for good.” Pain is inevitable in this life but God can change it for the good. We have to let go though open our hand and say here take this and turn it for my good. We see in Romans 8:28 too “this we know that God works everything out for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose.” I love how many times it says But God in the Bible. 45 times it appears in the Bible. 45 case scenarios where by all means it looked hopeless, God came through. Even at the last minute. 

So as I wrap this 100th blog up tonight, and the night comes to close. I challenge you with what is your Manasseh, what pain has God turned for your good in your life? I challenge you to start to take that leap of forgetting the pain and remembering the blessings. 

With much love,

Makayla Chalee 

If you need prayer let me know and I will pray for you! 

The Land I'm Livin' In.

 And I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land I am living in... No matter where I go and no matter where I been God is there with me. 

I have been reflecting a lot since my last blog and I know it has been a minute since I have written but God... Here I am sitting watching the sunset over the hills of Arkansas, just basking in the presence of the Lord... 

Something that rings so true is that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land I am living in, whether that was on the shores of the ocean that encompassed British Columbia, or the snowy peaks and trees of living off grid living in Idaho, or deep in the heart of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. I think of all the places I have moved to. I am coming up on my 43rd move come this weekend to go where God is leading me. Out of all these moves one thing has been the constant beautiful reminder is that God has been there on every one of these moves. His presence is there and will be... I think of how blessed and beautiful, but extremely painful at times my journey has been thus far. That is one thing that is so prominent is that God's presence has not and will not ever abandon me. I may be in the hearts of the jungle, and He would be there. Nothing can compare to the Glory to which I pray, and hope God will get through my story. 42... the number of times I have moved and knowing that God has been there with me every single move. 

In November of 2021 God called me to move to Arkansas, and I said ok God here we go! Now moving to where God is further leading me. At times I ponder why God had me leave Colorado, but I think He is looking for simple obedience which won't always make sense to most people. When I moved to Colorado in 2019, I said ok God I am here until you tell me it's time to leave. Sometimes following the call of God will seem crazy or even weird to some people, but from the time since I have been saved since 2008, I've started to really grasp this truth it doesn't matter what people say or think, for I just want to please my Father in Heaven. To make His name known. 

Going into this next season I am just trusting that God knows what He is doing and that's ok that it may not make complete sense to even me. God is not one to fail us or abandon us, I tell myself so much that God didn't bring me this far to abandon me, He is not always in our timeline of how we think things are going to work, or our even ideas and perceptions of the Lord. He is in the waiting.... He is in the quiet still moments of just resting... He is in these moments of tears just saturating the floor... He is in these moments of seeing cardinals outside my bedroom window and hearing their songs unto their Creator. He is in these moments where I feel so alone here knowing the same man who holds the stars is the same man who holds my heart. Knowing He is in these moments of His promises right around the corner, if He says something to you it will come to pass. Knowing He is in these moments of the mundane moments here as it seems in Arkansas. 

He meets us... He meets us with the Ring and the Robe.. in those prodigal moments. I just know that in this season God has me in He is listening to my prayers and listening to my tears. It has been beautiful the way God is working and moving in my life, and He deserves ALL The praise and ALL the Glory! Since August my goodness He has answered over 19 of my prayer requests, He is moving, and I just have to be patient. God is such a God of redemption stories; I think my dilemma is I have been sitting and saying when Lord is this winter season going to be over instead of dwelling in the beauty of the winter season. Since when did I get so caught up in grumbling about the winter season instead of praising God for the winter seasons. Yes, some of the trees may "Seem dead" but spring... Spring is just right around the corner and how beautiful will it be? 

I think so often in our lives, I know at least with me patience isn't there... When God tells me something I want it to happen right then and there but what if there is beauty, I am missing in the waiting period? What if I am trying to rush the process, I miss a very important season for the next step of my journey? To enjoy every step even if it seems to be a small step...He is there. 

What my life looks like on 1/25/22 is nothing I would have ever imagined it to be even 5 years ago. If you would have told me 5 years ago, I would be living in Arkansas, on nothing but a word from the Lord and His guidance and direction, I would have laughed in your face and said, "yeah ok...that's not happening." But God... BUT GOD my goodness how He has led me beside the winding path of this journey called life. What does the next 5 years hold I don't know; I don't have an answer, but God is already there. I know I don' t what His plan is for me, but I feel He has given me some beautiful glimpses of His mighty plan. All I can say is Lord, here I am send me. 

I think that is all God is looking for is honestly small, simple steps of obedience. I'll let you in on something is that in those small and simple moments God will meet you there... 

So here is to the next chapter, all I can say is God you get the Glory!!! 

In The Waiting He is Ever Faithful

Faithful He is.. and ALL His promises are YES and AMEN. 

I think often about how many seasons in my life I have been through. Seasons of becoming a new Christian back in 2008, then to a season of high school shaping who I would grow into becoming a young adult and then my season in Canada. The seasons of nannying in my home town and finding my roots and my identity. Then moving  onward to Idaho and then eventually finding my way back to Colorado after many years of longing to be back in this beautiful state. In every season I have seen His faithfulness, God's hand upon this journey I have called life.

And my goodness has it ever been beautiful but painful along the way. But He has been there every step of the way, every moment and every breath. I have seen how much I have grown and sometimes I get in a dry season or a severe drought but never the less His love for me never failed. He meets me where the road goes, He meets me at my brokenness. He meets me with grace that abounds and love that never fails. 

I am in a season of my life that I cannot wait to be a mom, I know the day will happen and to trust the timing. Every miscarriage God has been there caressing my fragile heart with His strong love. Knowing the pain the deep pain of feeling as there is a hole in my heart that will always be there. There are moments like tonight that I hear Him and I trust Him. He says all His promises are YES and AMEN in Him. He will make my paths straight. But He meets on this road, this broken but beautiful road. I think of often how glorious of day that must have been that all my babies all 6 of them the first thing they saw was the face of Jesus. How beautiful that must have been. 

God isn't insensitive to my pain, my goodness how He loves deeply and widely. If anything over the years I have learned is that God hold my heart. He sees the pain but He is the one to mend and cure my pain. He says in His word that He will give the infertile woman children making her home a very happy home. (Psalms 113:9) HE cannot lie and if He says this will happen it will happen. For it is God who blesses life. Whether that life comes naturally from me or in the arms of adoption He is in control. I am in a season of my life where I am starting to find new roots what my life will look like in my late 20's. But He writes the story.

My love tonight asked me a question have I lived the life I've wanted to live? My answer to that is that I have lived the life that God has had planned out for me even when I haven't been following the Lord as closely as I should be that doesn't mean His plan didn't prevail. I am right where God wants me to be. I am right where I belong. It is true He can turn the most desert place in my heart into the most vibrant garden. There is nothing that HE cannot do. 

I think for so often I've looked to Dr's instead of the Great Dr. the dr. who can heal me, now by in no means am I saying Dr's are pointless no many dr's have helped me but now I am at the end of the road with my fertility issues that nothing else can be done. But God knows and He knows my pain. But this isn't the end of my story I know for a fact He isn't done and I am believing it. He knows us inside out and day after day His love is endless for us. 

I started my roots in 2008 but I feel like I have put God in a box, stating oh you can do this x,y and z but you can't do these plans, but that's not the God I serve. Sometimes faith is so easy to say but mentally it can be challenge to the point it feels like God isn't listening or has turned a cold heart to your broken heart but I have learned over the years that is not how God operates, He moves when He feels like moving, He is greater and on His throne. He is the God who doesn't slumber. He is such a God of restoration, redemption and second chances. He is the God who is Peace, Love and Justice. In the end His will is ever higher than my own. So Here is to the next season whatever it may hold may it be a beautiful season of growth.....

If you ever need prayer I am here and I will pray with you no matter what time of day, 

May the Lord bless you and May He make His face shine upon you. 

Forget Me Not

 I don’t even know where to begin with this post but I wanted to verbalize these emotions that seem to be tearing me apart.... 

Raw, vulnerable and real moments that’s what makes up life some times..

And from the pain we can maybe make something beautiful if we try... 

The number tonight is 6. I don’t talk about this often enough but maybe if I talked about it more the pain would lessen every time I talked about. We can only hope the pain would subside. 

Something so incredibly hard but it needs to be talked about. 

6... 6 times that test was positive, 6 times my heart would flutter and be overflowing, overwhelmed that it would be a reality. 6 deaths though.... endless nights of pain and frustration. 

6 miscarriages... 

This is something so heavy on my heart something I lay awake at night pondering why my body can’t do what it’s suppose to do. 

Does anyone hear this pain? Do you feel it!!

This pain isn’t just some temporary pain it’s surface level deep. Can God really hold me in the mourning in the gray mornings when tears seem to be the only weather for the day. 

They say it gets easier but does it really every pregnancy announcement seems to be a knife to the depths of my heart. 

Cutting me open till I bleed over and over... 

They say someday it will happen but right now I don’t know how... I don’t know how it will be. 

But God He says he remains faithful... 

Can the pain subside? Will it get easier? Will the rainbow come after the storm...  

They say pain makes you stronger but I think pain can create a stain glass portrait of the areas in your heart that are full of decay... 

They say you’re not alone in suffering through a miscarriage it happens sadly to 1 in 4... but what about the other 3 who haven’t experienced this pain... 

The 1... that’s who I’m speaking to. The 1... your pain is valid and your voice matters, your baby mattered...

All my children are in heaven and that will be a glorious wonderful day when I can see them face to face... a beautiful quote I once heard was “Imagine the first thing your baby saw was the face of Jesus”... 

But the pain... 

Only God knows... there can still be a miracle... 

Late night wanderings in my brain and my heart. 

A Raging Hurricane in A Peaceful Atmosphere

 

I am standing here... In the aftermath so many questions, so many struggles. Staring at my reflection in the mirror and pondering the deep questions of my inmost being. The inmost being that God sees every day. The real me, the vulnerable me. 

The damage most parts of me where I don't even know how God can make me whole out of this. This raging hurricane of life has been here my whole life, the depths of the uncertain voyages of my heart. How can a hurricane be so destructive in my heart yet God says PEACE BE STILL. 

I think my whole life I've been running, running from addressing the pain on a deeper level thinking somehow, someway it will just go away on its on. I am learning that I don't have to justify myself to people, I don't have to yell till I am in blue in the face that people believe me. Because at the end of the day I know who my defense attorney is and that is Jesus Christ. He foresaw my every fall, my every sin that nailed him to the cross, yet NONE THE LESS He loved me.... It was my sin that nailed Him to the cross and nothing can separate me from that Love. He isn't mad with me and He holds me. He has been holding me since the beginning. 

He knows the deep most inmost parts of my being that I don't even know. The parts that are so submerged under the core layers of Makayla Chalee. Yet none the less that doesn't change his love for me. I can come to him with all my junk, all the pain and all the hurt and He will extend his hand to me. He is a loving God and I am learning what that means in my life. I can have this confidence that God will finish what He has started in my life, He is patient in every heart break, God hasn't failed me yet. Despite how many times I have failed, how many times I run to sin to satisfy the void that only Christ can fill... But his grace is sufficient.... HIS grace is sufficient, I feel as I fail often.... I look to the Lord in this time and all I can say is "Why did my marriage fail" was it something I did? How will I know this will turn out for my good in the end. How will I know I will start to heal, cause when I see myself right now all I see is the broken fragments of my heart bleeding out on everything and everyone who dares to try to get close to me. Can God really hold these broken pieces that have been embedded for years...

I want to believe but it's so hard as this season I don't know who I am anymore. Slowly maybe someday I will be able to rebuild myself but in this time, I have to take it day by day, moment by moment. Waking up the day and saying Lord I don't have much to give in this time but I am believing that you can restore and redeem the hurt the pain and the endless nights. But great is his faithfulness to this broken down of a person... 

He is my anchor in the storm a firm and steadfast hope I can hold onto. But my hands are slipping so frequently. The storms are waging all around me to the point I feel I can't even catch my breath. His faithfulness never runs out, I feel this as one absolute in my life that only Christ is the one thing that remains. He is my hope and firm foundation He won't ever let me down. And that's something I have to so desperately cling to in this moment in my life. In the middle of the night He is the one who is holding me so ever closely. 

Love isn't what is always seems it to be and honestly I don't even know what love is.... I thought I did but then this love wasn't love. I know I will be eventually able to heal but its the raw feeling of the uncertainty and that's something I am learning is I don't have to justify myself to anyone. God knows the hearts of man, He knows when we rise and when we fall. When I am in the middle of the road and I don't know which way to go God is going to be the ultimate guide. He will not take me anywhere where He is not. 

But God, God knows what I've been through and He will work this out for my good in the end. It's just this tangled heart of brokenness and emotions I don't even know how to comprehend is where I am. Standing in the aftermath of a hurricane but that's the thing is there is no screams for help, no buildings falling down just everything dead silence. I'd even say the pain is silent it's silently killing me. I wonder how I will overcome this pain and it's only through the blood of the lamb. The cross, where I can lay my life down and Jesus will show me a new life, a new beautiful life...

Brokenness it's so raw....but God has known brokenness more than any of us will ever experience it. May He get the glory in this season I don't know what it looks like but the God of Angel Armies goes before me. May He bless me and keep me so close to his heart. 

In the Stillness

 In the stillness... We hear God is speaking but to what degree? What degree is He speaking....What is He saying? Can the God of the universe really hold my heart in this season of when my heart is completely shattered.... 

I know He is the waymaker, He is working in my situation to make everything in my life turn out for the good its just the waiting season now, the walking through the death of a marriage and up from the ashes beauty shall rise. I almost feel as if my heart has had a forest fire happen to it and all I see is the ash left behind something so incredibly beautiful at one point is now a burnt down hell. 

I hear God reaching for me and caressing my heart, carefully and patiently making into a new creation. Out of the ashes... Out of the ashes we will rise, and in the place of suffering there is a God worth worshipping on the wings of worship we will rise....

To rise above the pain that is what I want to do, but this pain isn't like anything I have ever felt before in my life... But God is here, He is here holding my heart and gently speaking into my heart that it is going to be ok... I don't know how it is going to be ok but one step at a time it will be ok. What I am learning about God is that God is a good God, He HATES oppression, injustice and hates to see His children hurt. Sin is something so ugly that can take something beautiful and make a living hell out of it. 

Sin is sin and it was my sin that nailed Jesus to the cross, but I am in a season where sin has different consequences. I pray that God would take this pain away in my heart that He would renew what has been lost and stolen, and there is a season for that but right now I have to walk through the burnt down forest and know that Jesus is right there with me. 

See the issue with sin is it doesn't just effect you, eventually the dark parts that you have in your heart will get brought to light and it will effect others around you just like the wildfires this summer the smoke reached other states and caused other people pain.... 

I feel as if I am standing in the aftermath searching for the smallest thing alive but everything is dead. The trees of my heart burnt to ash, the hopes and dreams burnt to ash... But along the way Jesus is right beside me. And there will come a day when that tree blossoms forward out of the ashes...

A song that has been resonating so much with is this... 

"Up from the ashes

God You are making something beautiful

For You have won my heart

No longer ruined I have been ransomed by Your jealous love

For You have won my heart"

up from the ashes.... He is making something beautiful, the burnt ash rubble of my heart Jesus will redeem.... He knows my heart, He hears my cry and He will come and rescue me. 

He is my rescue story and the beautiful thing about being in this situation is there is NOTHING that can separate me from the love of Christ. He will sustain me in this time and He is the better husband. All I hath needed He will provide for me nothing is too hard for our Lord. And I am trusting him that a forest will grow from the destruction. 

I am learning to lean on the rock of Ages, the only one who can sustain me in this time. He will not fail me and He has good plans for me. And though the enemy may come to steal, kill and destroy God has come to give life and life abundantly. 

So here is to the healing season may God restore and redeem everything the enemy has stolen and may God grow a garden from the ashes.... 

The Blood of Jesus Speaks for Me

The blood of Jesus speaks for me.... And that is enough for me. He has called me redeemed. His blood shed on Calvary so I could live free.

Freedom, to learn what the Lord has in store for me. I was talking to a friend this weekend and he mentioned to me not only is Christ wanting to do surgery but give me a whole new heart. A heart full of a new love a new hope a new redemption. Only Christ can turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh. A fresh start....

A fresh start is what I have been given to seek and run only after Christ. And throw EVERYTHING that was hindering me off and diligently pursue Christ. The one who fights for me is King.

That is something I am learning the ONE WHO FIGHTS for me is King. KING that means I am called royalty in Christ's eyes. In the Kingdom of Heaven I am who GOD says I am! And that is a daughter of the Most High. I am no longer bound by things that have shaped my heart into ways that haven't been of Christ. Christ loves me and that is enough. I am learning that, this one truth Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. He has boundless grace and Love for me. Satan accuses and makes claims against me but Christ's love defends me. I can now find life at Christ's expense. He is enough for me. Open heart surgery but more so than that a heart transplant. A heart throbbing after one thing to be kingdom minded. To love others with complete sincerity and rise above the ashes. For Christ has bestowed on me a crown of beauty inside of ashes. To worship Him with everything that is within me. A foundation of hope is what I have been given. No turning back. No going back only moving forward from this moment onward. Seeking the prize running after God's glory and making HIS goodness known throughout the land.

Christ is fighting for me He always has been, He is pursing me from the start. I look at my life and see how FAITHFUL He has been! And how much LOVE He has bestowed on me and lavished me with.... Why? I was so unfaithful to Him at times, cursing His name, stating I was done with Him... Why? Because that is HIS nature is being faithful to people even when we are unfaithful. He is full of LOVE, full of grace and full of mercy. He is wanting people to run so hard after Him they don't care the cost. They don't care of momentary things or people they have lost in this life for Christ is ENOUGH.....His love is so incredible and so tangible. His love is real in this world when everything else seems unreal.

Heart transplant, a heart of stone to a beating heart of flesh.... Living breathing and moving in my life is what God is doing in my life, arising dead things of my heart. Things that have been dead in my heart that He is resurrecting to life....why? Because that is who HE is, He can bring dead things to life. And give that life and life more abundantly, why? Because He loves His children... And I am a Child of God.

I am not my past... I am not what people have done to me.... I am not who my family says I am.... I am a Child of God. A child of the most HIGH. A child who has a King fighting for her, a child who can run into my God's presence any time of the day and make my requests known to Him....And HE will supply all my NEEDS. He will answer me, He will ALWAYS come through. He will take of me. I need to not fear for the same God that created the stars is the creator of me. Redeeming love has been my theme. He is for me not against me, and His plans are still to prosper for He has not forgotten us and He is sovereign over us. He says everything the enemy intended for evil in my life God will work together for my good! He HAS got me so strongly in the palm of His hands and I want to let you all know that, How much God has done in my life over the past 3 months. What may seem impossible to man is POSSIBLE with God! God is to be glorified in my life and HE will be glorified. It is only God that has brought me this far and I am so PUMPED to see what He is going to keep doing, the journey He is going to take me on!

He has got me and nothing is impossible for my God. My God will continue to reign victoriously and His plans oh man they are nothing but good for my life! For what kind of God do we serve when we ask Him for bread is He going to give us a stone? He loves to bless His children and EVEN when I was far from God, HE was still guiding me and protecting me, He was there when I had nobody and was nobody. He was wooing me with a quiet gentle love when all around me seemed loud. 

To keep my eyes fixed on Christ the author and perfecter of my Faith... Keeping my eyes fixed on Him and the waves will NOT over take me. He isn't going to let me drown nor will leave me or ever abandoned me. And looking back He was there every minute of my journey and He knew me before I was formed in my Mother's womb. He is for me not ever against me! Unto Him be the glory!