Behind the Walls...

Darn... it is that time again where my brain just starts to speak and here I am taking notes... First I want to draw a scene of a wall a stone wall so thick and strong and secure. We use walls to guard our homes, to protect etc, etc, etc... but my goodness we have begun to put walls around our heart with a sign KEEP OUT. I know that is a season I am going through right now is truly learning to trust people. I think the problem starts when we are young, we place stone by stone hurt after hurt till we are safe and secure from the outside world. Where we come to our little tower where everything is fine and dandy... but speaking so I then ponder the thought is everything fine and dandy? You know C.S. Lewis writes a phenomenal quote what it means to love..."To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." 

 Wow.... that is all I can say about that shoot man how many times do I do that in my own life. I have become so comfortable behind my walls that I have forgotten to love is to be vulnerable... man I hate that word I really do because when I hear vulnerable I think of me laying my heart down yet people still step on and and grind it till it is nothing but a bloody mess in the mud. How is it little children are so trusting yet us as adults become these people who enjoy walls and cages... 

 A strange thought blew my mind the other day is the idea of zoos, animals who have never been able to "be" free who don't even know what freedom must look like... ponder that thought for a minute that animals that have been caged must have a song deep down inside of them that is curious to what it looks like to escape through those bar to see the real world. 

 I think so often if we don't know how to escape those walls, the bars of our own insecurities that keep us safe where we won't get "hurt" again. I know one thing is that Jesus never built walls but let people, yes He knew what hurt was yet he still kept on trusting people because they could see the real Him. That is what I want people to see the real mean but it is hard when you hide behind the wall and only show people your toe peaking through the crack of the wall. 

 I watched Breakfast At Tiffany's the other day and I bawled my eyes at, when Audrey Hepburn is telling "fred" that she is a wild thing and you can't love a wild thing. And "Fred" simply states that she is the one who has built this cage around herself. And I honestly think that is my case scenario I have become so inclined to the comfort of my cage that I don't "want" to let people touch me or try to set me free. 

 Honestly though the person that is setting me free is Jesus it is by His blood I find my worth and slowly but surely I am starting to find that sparrow become free of its cage. With my broken wings I find myself desperately clinging to Jesus because He is the one who is going to mend the hurt back together for good. to know it is ok to come out of the cage that has been rusting away for many years. I want to be a person to let people love me and not be afraid that they are going to break my wings again, and like I said slowly but surely I am finding myself in Christ, I think part of coming out of the cage is knowing that from what I have known most my life is brokenness, broken family, broken relationships... broken love..... 

 It is peculiar that when people love me with an authentic real love I don't know what to do I honestly want to hide and run back in my cage behind my walls. But that is an area in my life God is so challenging me with is to let Him tear down the walls. 

                                                     So world here I come...... 

                                                     "A tune that only caged birds know" Jon Foreman

Born an Original...

Original I look at that word and often ponder the meaning what does it mean to be original...Webster Dictionary can inform us that to be original means "a person who is different from other people in an appealing or interesting way". I think for the generation we live in we have really lost a hold of what it truly means to be original. We all know the story "In the Beginning God created"... Genesis is full of life and than the tragic of the fall. Whenever God created something after He created whatever "it" was He said it was GOOD. God created and He said it was good, no flaws, no mishaps, no mistakes... He created and it was good than in Genesis 3 evil comes into this good and created chaos, it created confusion and distance. No longer was all of the creation in perfect harmony... Confusion started to play a part and take over the minds of the good mindset, I look at humans and it just simply amazes me that we are God's creation but we don't treat ourselves as if we are created by the most Holy God of the entire universe. We treat ourselves how other people treat us we think we "deserve" or so what, but when the words of the world start to cut deep into our souls we begin to question am I God's original, I mean we go out and oh hey look that person is wearing the same shirt as me, that person has the new iphone so do I! Or that person worships like that so I should copy that person to win God's favour and attention just like that person seems to be doing. We have become a generation of copies and originals are very hard to find in today's society we are all about wanting to do what everyone else is doing and have loss our sense of what is really real anymore. We have fallen into a materialistic world where we tend to forget about those still quiet moments, those moments that God created in creation those "good moments" to just rest as God did and admire what He created. Because He saw what He created and He said it was good. So then we know that evil has entered this world but the one thing I think so many of us forget is that good still exists in this world but we can only see good if we see the Creator and what He has created. I don't think it was ever a mistake that God created no one set of fingerprints identical to anyone else's fingers. Genesis 1:27 states this "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them" We are God's original workmanships.I was watching a video last night from "The Skit Guys-Chisel" and this is where some of my thoughts are coming from tonight. God created us to be original to be unique, to be loved. He created you the way you are for a very special reason, He created unique parts of you that nobody else has whether that be the way your lip goes down when you smile or the tears you cry in His presence. He created us all different for a reason I was reading through the bible last night and in 1 Corinthians 12 it talks about the body of the church the body of Christ how each and everyone plays a different role and I believe that is why God created us each original because we all have a different part and just because people on a "church body" tends to notice the hands or the heart or the feet or the mouth does not mean any of the other members are less important because I look at my body and I can't see my internal organs but I know with out my spline I would be dead without it or my appendix is another important body part, I hope you are getting the picture with the whole body what I am trying to explain. Why are we so afraid of people who are different because in the end we are all sinners and saved by grace. We try to be like robots in this generation and in this culture we are so hooked on the last hashtags, the lastest trending issues, the bathroom selfie, we forget to take a moment and understand wait a minute is this really how I am suppose to be living, living every day life with how everyone else lives life. We are missing the bigger picture is that we were created by God and for God and to bring Him ultimate glory in ALL we do. We have lost sight of our Creator and we can't know that we are drifting away from God if we don't wake up and realize it we will miss the opportunity to intimately get to know our Creator the one who formed us and loved us before we knew what love was. I want to be known as an original despite our copy cat society. I want to be the person God created in Genesis 1:27-"Created in His image" I don't want the world to stain and tatter the masterpiece God created me to be, the redeemed person through the blood of Jesus Christ. Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." Wow I don't know about you but reading that we are his masterpiece I think of some famous artist like Picasso or Monet and my goodness if they were alive today wouldn't you (fellow artists) want to get to know him? Get to talk over a coffee or tea and just listen to his skills and what inspired him etc. But don't you see we have that as God we get to know because of his unfailing love and sending his Son to die for us as an atoning sacrifice, we get to know our Artist our Creator who created us in His image. He didn't create us in the World's image or in a Giraffe's image but divinely in His image. He created us so that we could know Him and not just on a fluffy light note but on a so deep soul intimately knowing. He didn't create us to be a copy but an original His original MASTERPIECE, a one of a kind, a worshiper, a lover, a believer. He created us to be us and be ok because the more we lose ourselves in the world the more we find ourselves in our Creator who knows us better than anyone else on this face of the Earth. From the beginning He loved us more than we could ever know. As I wrap up these thoughts (which I hope make sense..) I encourage you the more you go to God the less you will go to other people to try to be a replica of them and the more you will begin to look to your Creator and find your identity in Him. "You were born an ORIGINAL don't die a Copy"-John Mason God Bless

There is Hope

So recently there has been a lot on the news of the death of Robin Williams and I want to shed some light on this subject. For those who've never been through depression or don't know what it is like I want to try to help you understand. In middle school through high school I suffered from depression and recently from February-June depression hit me so hard. I saw a quote on the internet a while back how depression is like you are drowning except you can see everyone else around you breathing. This is am accurate description in these past months I felt so dead inside and that nothing was going to help, that I'd always be in that state and that nothing could help, I even thought about suicide often I thought it would be the best option and that my pain would all go away. It got so bad that I ended up Overdosing on my medication and had an ambulance come and pick me up truth be told it was one of the most scary things of my life but when I overdosed I did one thing I called a crisis hotline and it helped a lot. Depression is dark and scary a while back I wrote this poem trying to describe what it is like and for the readers out there I have gotten so much better and I am a healthier person now it took a lot of work but I can say God was with me and overcame the darkness in my life. " I want the brokenness to end. I don't want to be a sick number in a study but I want to live again. I want to be able to pull myself out of bed and look forward to the day to have that joy again to be free, free to be me. It is depression is like you are drowning yet everyone else is still breathing. How do I get to that point to push off this blanket that is suffocating me from the inside out. I look and see scars but they don't even reflect the pain of internal scars I don't want to be a statistic I want to be me. I want to break free but my wings are crusted together of the dried blood from the past. They are broken, broken from the inside. I want to break out of this cage where I am a sparrow trapped with a bunch of crows in an airtight birdcage. I know the WORD, I know the Rock but it seems my heart is slipping on a trail of confusion and pain I know God will come trough. I know I am bought, bought with such a high price, I know this but I don't know, know this I want to believe I want to be set free." Depression is a real thing it's not some made up and it sucks. Please if you are in a dark place there is hope there is help. If you're loved one is going through depression the best and most thing you can do is be there for them and don't lay judgement on them. If you are struggling with the idea of suicide and think the pain isn't worth the fight I can tell you there is hope and help. Please call 1800-suicide if you are in need of talking to someone, your life is worth it. You're not a lone the pain will lessen I speak because I am a survivor of depression/suicidal thoughts. You're life has value YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

The Fruit of Patience

Be patient... those words seem to ring in the back of my head like all the time. I know that is one of the fruits of the spirit that I know my character needs to develop more in. I think of the smallest things I become impatient over waiting for the mircowave, still in traffic,waiting at the Border... I know those are the smallest things and they shouldn't matter. And yet I know that God is so developing the fruit of patience in me. Whether that be with my life goals, future relationship, future careers, all the things of the future let's just put it at that. I think so often I know in my life I worry about the things I shouldn't be worrying about. I know that is one thing God is showing me so much of right now is to not be anxious about anything but just to Trust in Him because He knows what He is doing. Right now I am sitting just pondering over the most amazing things God is showing me right now. I am looking out my window and looking at the garden that my dad planted. And realizing I am just like one of those seeds in God's bigger garden. Seeds they don't worry when they are going to start to grow or when they are going to produce a flower and than that flower turns into a wonderful fruit. And that is what I want to be I want to be that seed just wanting to grow and grow into who God has called me to be. I don't need to worry because all through out the Bible it talks multiple times about the birds and the animals God created aren't freaking out because they don't have food to eat but rather they look to the Creator who satisfies them with good things. And in the New Testament how much more valuable am I to God than the sparrows? And I don't need to worry I can just rely on God and know that He is a faithful God and that I can trust Him. Because in Him alone I put my trust and I won't be put to shame. Waiting for a relationship seems to be a big summer trend right now or just our culture i.e. "How to make the most of being Single, Single and Happy, How to be happy being single" the list goes on and on an on. Article after article on the web gets us so spun up in this culture idea of their is a two spectrum scale. You are either in a relationship or single and honestly I think I can say that most of our western culture that has defined what you are in society but honestly I don't want that label I don't want to be known as "single" but I want to be known as that woman of God who is trusting Him with everything and learning to cultivate my heart in Him so I can produce the spirit of patience. Because with out Him I am nothing, I honestly think too many Christian women in today's society are so quickly to jump into a relationship because we are afraid the "one" won't ever come around or this is what we have to settle for. But honestly the only One you should be investing your heart in this time of waiting is Jesus. He is the only One who can show you a divine unconditional love, He is the only one who knows the desires of heart and tells you it is ok to wait for the Man of God he is preparing for you. I mean look at the stories in the Bible with Abraham, The Israelites. Etc. They waited a long time for the promise God gave to them. I remember taking Old Testament Survey last year and my professor stated this is always the cases for story after story in the Bible. First God gave the promise, than God Tested the Promise, then the promise was fulfilled. I am not afraid of waiting anymore for whoever my future spouse may be, because I know God is a loving and faithful God and He has the best interests in mind. I mean we are His children and He wants the best for me. I was on a walk the other night and God is like "Dude I got your back, I mean your picture is on my refrigerator along with all my other children." So I don't need to worry, I have nothing to worry about in this time of waiting I get to press deeper and deeper with my relationship with God and seek Him first and only. I mean God desires to give the best to His children I look at it this way as a nanny I would never give the children a dessert before the dinner course because I know it would ruin the children's appetite and they wouldn't get the proper nutrients they need. In the same way I know that is what God is doing right now in my life He doesn't want me to settle for less because He wants me to get the most important nutrients out of my relationship with Him first before He places me in a relationship with a guy. He wants all of me and I want to give Him all of me because I can't give Him half my heart anymore. I can't be over here on one side with my heart in pinterest looking at love quotes and feeling sorry for myself. Because honestly I have the best love that was ever given to me. A Saviour who died so I could have a relationship with Him first and foremost. I am learning nothing else in the world matters because with out Christ I am NOTHING. And if I don't take this season to cultivate my heart fully in Him for Him to plant the seeds in my heart and to work on my character and my garden in my heart then how am I ever suppose to help support another garden. If my heart garden is dying, weed infested etc. then I most certainly can't help encourage another person to take care of their garden. Now hear me out that only God can take care of our Gardens it is up to Him to water and plant the seeds but it is up to us to let the seeds be watered and for us to accept the sunshine and let the plants grow or be willing to get rid of weeds. I am learning so much in this season and I am learning what true thankfulness is, I mean you look at the Psalms and it is all over i.e "Oh Lord your love endures forever so my lips shall sings praise, let us come into the courts with thanksgiving." Being thankful means what ever season you are in telling God just how Good He is. And how HE IS EXALTED above all. It means thanking Him that you may be single so you can go deeper with God and not looking is this the "one" or so forth. It is about being content in His presence and honestly that is where I am solidly at right now being content in His presence I haven't always been this way it has taken a long time to realize that without Christ I am nothing and I have nothing and that relationship that is the most important. That is why I was created is to be a Glory carrier. I don't need to worry because I trust my Saviour and just like Psalm talks about "God is within Her and she will not fail." God's got my back and my future so therefore I don't have to worry because He is in control. I encourage each of you to pursue God and seek First His kingdom and be enthralled by His beauty. Blessings.

All in God's Timing

Well it is one of those days I am just thinking about life. And just pondering on how good God is. I look back on some of these blog posts and think of just how far God has taken me. I remember reading one of the posts 2 years ago and it stated "I don't know where I will be in 2 years but one thing I do know is God is so good." Recently well more like for 5 months now I have been battling severe depression and was in a really dark place that I thought I would never be able to get out of. But through the amazing love and grace of Our Father and the beautiful support from my friends I have been slowly but reassuring been able to become myself again. To see the joy and the beauty in the great circle of life. I was watching the Lion King last night and the scene where Simba is talking to his dad got me thinking, when Mufasa was talking to Simba : "You have forgotten who you are." Good words I am telling you, I think during this past season I have forgotten who I am, who I AM IN GOD. What God calls and what He says I am. Because I am learning honestly nothing else in the world matters except who I am in Christ. I am a new creation, for who the Son sets free is FREE indeed. In moments of depression I forgot who I was. I can honestly tell you these past months have been a battle but I am starting to become me again and it is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world. When you think you have lost yourself and starting to find yourself again. I can tell you one thing depression is like a think blanket that you can't push off that is suffocating you from the inside out. I heard a quote once and couldn't relate more "Depression is like you are drowning yet you can see everyone else around you still breathing." I knew I was defeated by depression but I think I thought that I could instantly get over it and instantly become better. I am learning that depression isn't a package of instant done it is no let's work through this crap that happened in my life so I can become a healthier person. I know that is what I want, I want to become a healthier person. To be honest I know someone really close in my life and they let depression get the best of them, they gave up on life and still lets depression win. Well guess what I am saying NO to Depression because I am not going to let it get the best of me. I am fighter, I am going to fight with the strength God has bestowed upon me to fight for His glory. I have learned something to is I cannot fight this battle alone I first and foremost need God and then the support system He has given me. I think for the longest time I was believing that lie that if I shut my friends out I can become better and won't ever get hurt but honestly like C.S Lewis states " To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." I think over these past 5 months I have decided I didn't want to be vulnerable with people any more but I am now learning it is ok to walk through depression that there is no judgement what it isn't ok to do is have a self pity party and lingering in the slimy pit of depression for years instead of doing something about it. To have self care and to tell yourself hey it is ok that I need help right now, it is ok that I am walking through this but I am NOT going to let it get the best of me, I am not going to let depression steal my identity any more because the truth is I am a daughter of the King, I am born again, I AM a new creation in Him, I HAVE BEEN REDEEMED. I am ready to step out side this dark blanket and walk in the light, I am ready to become the most healthiest version of myself. I am becoming healthy and learning that gunk that has lingered inside my heart for too long, the shattered pieces of my broken heart are starting to become beautiful. The brokenness is becoming beauty. For outer looks will perish it is the heart that will shine through that. I am looking forward to what God has next in store for me and so stoked to see how these past 5 months now play a part in my testimony for the glory of the King. God Bless you all!!!!

What is Beauty.

What is beauty it is a question we so often ponder. We see articles in magazines about the latest and greatest NEW beauty enhancer. Or the latest trending fashion statement. Beauty is so prone in today's culture to be of outward appearance but rarely focus' on inward appearance. I recently read a book called "Who Calls Me Beautiful" (highly recommend it) and the culture we live in focus' on outward appearance. I mean turn on the TV or see the ads on Facebook jean shorts, flawlessly curly hair and the new latest mineral makeup collection is what makes a Woman "beautiful" in today's society. But I highly believe beauty lies and goes deeper than the outward expression. True beauty has to begin from the inside out. We look at the verse in the Bible not many people may know of 1 Peter 3:3-4 (ESV) Do not let your beauty be external- the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry or the clothing you wear- but let your beauty be the hidden person of the heart with the IMPERISHABLE beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is VERY PRECIOUS. God is the only one who can make us beautiful it has to start with our hearts and our relationship with him, He created us (Psalm 139) and He knows the deepest desires of our hearts but we can't know beauty until we truly start to understand the Creator. Abba Father created us in His image (Gen. 1:27) and we are His original masterpiece. So if we only focus on the "outward beauty" we are truly missing the bigger picture. Because we were created to love and be loved, we were created to bring HIM all the glory. I know I struggle with Self-Image viewing my whole self as God views me. I am an artist and frankly I love to paint and some of my paintings I am very proud of them and show people what I created, often though I think of this case scenario that I am God's creation and I wouldn't dis one of my paintings in front of people so why do I think I can dis God's creation telling Him that He didn't create me good enough, or I am not beautiful enough or I am not skinny enough. I have no right to dis God's creation. I am God's creation He is the Artist He knew what HE was doing when He create me. I am getting to a point in my life where I don't want to have outer beauty but I want people to see the inward beauty the beauty God created with in me. I want my life to be a pure reflection of His light and His grace not of my own accomplishments or my dreams and my desires but to be a reflection of the face of Jesus. I want my beauty to be Jesus' beauty the beauty of forgiveness, the beauty of Hope, the beauty of strength, the beauty of love. The only way you can find true beauty is in the Creator the one who created beauty. I just know at the end of my life I don't want to be remembered by the hair styles or the clothes I wore I want to be remembered that I was clothed in Strength and Dignity I want to be remembered that God had place a crown of beauty instead of ashes on my head. I want to be a reflection of He who is greater than me. I remember in one of my classes last semester a really good quote was "The more you understand the Creator the more you will understand yourself". I want to understand my Creator more and more to have that intimate relationship with Him who formed me in the depths of the earth, who loved me when I was nothing and who's love doesn't or can't ever change for me. I wrote a poem a while back and I hope it speaks to you. Cover up the imperfections Cover up the flaws Tint the stain But never unveil the pain Put on the glamour put on the glitz Dance around with the shade Of new lipstick Enter the ball ready to go Put on your mask and see The blood stained snow Lay down in the dirt Mud stained tears Guilty with your ripped shirt Hear the footsteps of the Son Speaking life and truth But all you want to do is run The rocks drop to the ground It gets silent You were lost but now found Now I see I was created to be Free To be Free to Be Me Love came and died on a Tree A tree so I would be free Free to See to See what you created me to be to see your love for me