A Raging Hurricane in A Peaceful Atmosphere

 

I am standing here... In the aftermath so many questions, so many struggles. Staring at my reflection in the mirror and pondering the deep questions of my inmost being. The inmost being that God sees every day. The real me, the vulnerable me. 

The damage most parts of me where I don't even know how God can make me whole out of this. This raging hurricane of life has been here my whole life, the depths of the uncertain voyages of my heart. How can a hurricane be so destructive in my heart yet God says PEACE BE STILL. 

I think my whole life I've been running, running from addressing the pain on a deeper level thinking somehow, someway it will just go away on its on. I am learning that I don't have to justify myself to people, I don't have to yell till I am in blue in the face that people believe me. Because at the end of the day I know who my defense attorney is and that is Jesus Christ. He foresaw my every fall, my every sin that nailed him to the cross, yet NONE THE LESS He loved me.... It was my sin that nailed Him to the cross and nothing can separate me from that Love. He isn't mad with me and He holds me. He has been holding me since the beginning. 

He knows the deep most inmost parts of my being that I don't even know. The parts that are so submerged under the core layers of Makayla Chalee. Yet none the less that doesn't change his love for me. I can come to him with all my junk, all the pain and all the hurt and He will extend his hand to me. He is a loving God and I am learning what that means in my life. I can have this confidence that God will finish what He has started in my life, He is patient in every heart break, God hasn't failed me yet. Despite how many times I have failed, how many times I run to sin to satisfy the void that only Christ can fill... But his grace is sufficient.... HIS grace is sufficient, I feel as I fail often.... I look to the Lord in this time and all I can say is "Why did my marriage fail" was it something I did? How will I know this will turn out for my good in the end. How will I know I will start to heal, cause when I see myself right now all I see is the broken fragments of my heart bleeding out on everything and everyone who dares to try to get close to me. Can God really hold these broken pieces that have been embedded for years...

I want to believe but it's so hard as this season I don't know who I am anymore. Slowly maybe someday I will be able to rebuild myself but in this time, I have to take it day by day, moment by moment. Waking up the day and saying Lord I don't have much to give in this time but I am believing that you can restore and redeem the hurt the pain and the endless nights. But great is his faithfulness to this broken down of a person... 

He is my anchor in the storm a firm and steadfast hope I can hold onto. But my hands are slipping so frequently. The storms are waging all around me to the point I feel I can't even catch my breath. His faithfulness never runs out, I feel this as one absolute in my life that only Christ is the one thing that remains. He is my hope and firm foundation He won't ever let me down. And that's something I have to so desperately cling to in this moment in my life. In the middle of the night He is the one who is holding me so ever closely. 

Love isn't what is always seems it to be and honestly I don't even know what love is.... I thought I did but then this love wasn't love. I know I will be eventually able to heal but its the raw feeling of the uncertainty and that's something I am learning is I don't have to justify myself to anyone. God knows the hearts of man, He knows when we rise and when we fall. When I am in the middle of the road and I don't know which way to go God is going to be the ultimate guide. He will not take me anywhere where He is not. 

But God, God knows what I've been through and He will work this out for my good in the end. It's just this tangled heart of brokenness and emotions I don't even know how to comprehend is where I am. Standing in the aftermath of a hurricane but that's the thing is there is no screams for help, no buildings falling down just everything dead silence. I'd even say the pain is silent it's silently killing me. I wonder how I will overcome this pain and it's only through the blood of the lamb. The cross, where I can lay my life down and Jesus will show me a new life, a new beautiful life...

Brokenness it's so raw....but God has known brokenness more than any of us will ever experience it. May He get the glory in this season I don't know what it looks like but the God of Angel Armies goes before me. May He bless me and keep me so close to his heart. 

In the Stillness

 In the stillness... We hear God is speaking but to what degree? What degree is He speaking....What is He saying? Can the God of the universe really hold my heart in this season of when my heart is completely shattered.... 

I know He is the waymaker, He is working in my situation to make everything in my life turn out for the good its just the waiting season now, the walking through the death of a marriage and up from the ashes beauty shall rise. I almost feel as if my heart has had a forest fire happen to it and all I see is the ash left behind something so incredibly beautiful at one point is now a burnt down hell. 

I hear God reaching for me and caressing my heart, carefully and patiently making into a new creation. Out of the ashes... Out of the ashes we will rise, and in the place of suffering there is a God worth worshipping on the wings of worship we will rise....

To rise above the pain that is what I want to do, but this pain isn't like anything I have ever felt before in my life... But God is here, He is here holding my heart and gently speaking into my heart that it is going to be ok... I don't know how it is going to be ok but one step at a time it will be ok. What I am learning about God is that God is a good God, He HATES oppression, injustice and hates to see His children hurt. Sin is something so ugly that can take something beautiful and make a living hell out of it. 

Sin is sin and it was my sin that nailed Jesus to the cross, but I am in a season where sin has different consequences. I pray that God would take this pain away in my heart that He would renew what has been lost and stolen, and there is a season for that but right now I have to walk through the burnt down forest and know that Jesus is right there with me. 

See the issue with sin is it doesn't just effect you, eventually the dark parts that you have in your heart will get brought to light and it will effect others around you just like the wildfires this summer the smoke reached other states and caused other people pain.... 

I feel as if I am standing in the aftermath searching for the smallest thing alive but everything is dead. The trees of my heart burnt to ash, the hopes and dreams burnt to ash... But along the way Jesus is right beside me. And there will come a day when that tree blossoms forward out of the ashes...

A song that has been resonating so much with is this... 

"Up from the ashes

God You are making something beautiful

For You have won my heart

No longer ruined I have been ransomed by Your jealous love

For You have won my heart"

up from the ashes.... He is making something beautiful, the burnt ash rubble of my heart Jesus will redeem.... He knows my heart, He hears my cry and He will come and rescue me. 

He is my rescue story and the beautiful thing about being in this situation is there is NOTHING that can separate me from the love of Christ. He will sustain me in this time and He is the better husband. All I hath needed He will provide for me nothing is too hard for our Lord. And I am trusting him that a forest will grow from the destruction. 

I am learning to lean on the rock of Ages, the only one who can sustain me in this time. He will not fail me and He has good plans for me. And though the enemy may come to steal, kill and destroy God has come to give life and life abundantly. 

So here is to the healing season may God restore and redeem everything the enemy has stolen and may God grow a garden from the ashes....