O Come All Ye Faithful

As winter approaches we come to hear all of Christmas hymns and songs. One that is on my mind tonight is Come All Ye Faithful.

If you haven't heard it I suggest you look it up on YouTube. Some of the lyrics go like this
" Come All Ye Faithful
Joyful and triumphant,
O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem.
Come and behold Him,
Born the King of Angels;
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
O come, let us adore Him,
Christ the Lord." 

Come let us adore Him. I ponder that word what it really means to Adore someome. Imagine waiting years for a promised Messiah and then beholding Him as a helpless babe. This just brings tears to my eyes tonight thinking about our Saviour and how humbled He came to die for us, to live a mere life of 33 years old to be crucified for our sins with us giving him sometimes nothing in return. 

I am sitting at the kitchen right now with just a candle writing about this with tears in my eyes. Why so many tears you may ask Christmas is about a happy time but I never said these are sad tears but rather happy. The kind of tears Mary must have cried when she first saw that precious face of Jesus. The tears the Wiseman must have shed. The tears Jesus cried when He said it is finished... 

Anyways back to the song you know I have learned in my life it isn't about how Faithful we remain to God but rather how great His faithfulness is. His love is great and endless.

Truth be told why I have tears in my eyes is because I am coming out of a season that I haven't been following God close and while I was still sinning remaining faithless to God he remained Faithful to me.... 

This Christmas I have so much to be thankful for so many trials have happened this year some in the darkest valleys but God.... REMAINED FAITHFUL 

Had a hard year with money But God... REMAINED FAITHFUL 

Had crippling depression and anxiety but God.... REMAINED FAITHFUL

Lost a job and family so dear to my heart but God... REMAINED FAITHFUL

This year wasn't ever about me but how God redeemed me and remained Faithful...He is good and so worthy for us to Adore Him.  To behold the King, to behold the infant that would save all of Man kind. 

I don't ever want to be a person who people think wow she is attracted to the world but rather like a helpless baby who is so dependant on the True King to takecare of her. I wanna be kmown as that lady who reflects God's divine glory. Whose life story reflects God's faithfulness.......

What do you wanna be......

The Price of Value...

Value that word has been on my mind so much lately... Why? Because I think in today's day and age we have lost the meaning of what value is.

I was driving today and past a sign at a bar which read "If you want a cold beer come on in, ice cold just like your ex girlfriends heart."

And driving along that about broke my heart because every one has value.

Webster Dictionary defines value as the followed: "the regard that something is held to deserve; the importance, worth, or usefulness of something." 

Importance... Worth... Those are some very deep words that not many people use in today's day and age.

I know for me recently this has been such a struggle in my life what is my worth, what is my value. Who sees me valuable or worth while. For so long I have been believing lies that I don't have worth and it sucks. I try to fill that void with empty wells that leave me satisfy for one moment but leave me so dry and empty and scorched the next moment. I haven't been following Christ as diligently and closely as I should be. And it hasn't got me anywhere.

This world feeds you the lie that you have to have "x" factor to find your value, to find your worth. Last night I was driving and I just broke down in tears realizing how sad God must be that a human created in His own image thinks that they aren't worth while or that they aren't important. Because that is a lie He thought I was worthy that He died on a tree for me, my sin piercing Him... My sin bearing the weight of the cross.

You know in the Bible I think of many incidents where Jesus looked at a person and said they have worth and they are important. Think of the prostitute caught in the act. Jesus went to her level to her lying in the dirt and forgave her, He told her go and sin no more... That He doesn't condemn her. Or what about the woman at the well who was sleeping with a lot of men who had no husband, Jesus being a Jew wasn't even suppose to be talking to a Samaritan woman but He saw her worth. Or the woman who split her alabaster jar on Jesus' feet and the other people told her what a waste but Jesus looked at her and said what a beautiful thing this woman had done.

Jesus gives life...Life more abundantly, worth and value.

Through His blood I can be called a child of God. Through Him I have value and worth and importance. I have wandered I am not going to lie, I am that sheep who wandered from the herd. Like the lyrics in Come Thou Fount an old but beautiful hymn...

Prone to Wander Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love... 

I think in a sense we are all prone to wander we all go astray at some point in our life but the key is to remember where you're headed. And that is what I want to head in a better direction than what I am in my life right now. To go back to herd back to the good shepherd. And the thing is Jesus has been pursing me all the while. That while I was deep in sin His love was deeper and not once did He give up on me. But He has been there even though I wandered. That He being the good shepherd chases after that 1 sheep until it is safe in His arms. He cares about His children because they are valuable to Him. They are important to Him. 

I am looking forward to this new change, this getting defined by who He says I am. The hard toiling and growing period. The create in me a new heart and renew in me a right spirit. The weeds that He is going to uproot so He can plant a garden in my heart. The hurt in my heart that He will turn into healed scars. The brokenness that He will make beautiful. The worth that He states in my identity. The testimony that will come through overcoming worldly pleasures. The testimony that will only happen through the blood of the lamb. The sanctification process. The healing process. The journey 

"Hallelujah we are free to struggle but we are not struggling to be free" Tenth Avenue North 

Praise God He isn't done with me yet! 

Heart Strings Have Been Strung...

Gray... A color which doesn't have a lot of spunk or jazz to it. A color which often gets forgotten. A color which is made from black and white....

Black and white seem it is either or... Either this way or that way some people like myself only usually seek in the black and white that there is no gray in life but today was a different day for me for the first time ever I saw in gray...

Today I ran into some people that once were very dear to my heart and dear to my life. It was a rather painful experience for I have felt heartbreak before but nothing prepared me for this moment today. It is crazy going through heartbreak where you built part of your life with who ever that may be whether it be a boyfriend/girlfriend or a family or a friend.

And then when you see that person, it seems like all those memories have had the color sucked out of them and they are just gray memories now... Not black and white for there is beauty in black and white but gray dull and lifeless...

Dull that is what the feeling I felt like all the happiness from those "memories" where washed away from the pain that was so deep.

Heartbreak is so hard to talk about I think I know why, it is because our hearts were never meant to experience it... Never meant to be shattered but rather held, never meant to be broken but rather whole.

Hearts have a tremendous amount of love in them and when that love is broken a piece of our hearts goes with that situation. And our hearts can never get that piece back which was lost....

Our hearts were meant for love and meant for community they weren't ever meant to get hurt. I think heartbreak is part of the fall, it comes because of sin. Sin of others and sometimes because of expectations.

Someone once said that "expectation is the root of all heartache". Ain't that the truth how many times has that happened in my life oh so many and I am learning to start to not have as high expectations but to lower them. And to live the day and not worry about tomorrow.

Heartache will happen in this life but it won't last forever, and yes it is sad that sometimes you will encounter a person and you can just say to yourself "Yes I knew them one time in my life..."

So maybe gray does have a purpose to show that gray times can sometimes have a rainbow around the corner....

In the Silence

Loss... that seems to be a ringing theme in my life right now and I question that word at times. At times I question why certain things happen and what I can do about it...And then in the back of my mind rings an answer as clear as morning dew nothing....


Nothing... I can't change the faces of loss's in my life from losing my job to losing something dear to my heart, to losing justice that was suppose to be served, to losing my own child this last week. I feel an a ray of emotions I feel empty and sad and devastated and angry from hurt to a deep sense of mourning and sadness.

But... I know of one thing is I haven't lost God, I haven't lost my faith I haven't lost the love that God has encompassed over me. I haven't lost Him one step of this journey. I haven't lost the grace and the mercy that He bestows daily upon my head. How he prepares a crown of beauty rather than ashes.

I think so often so much I want to control and micro manage every fiber of my being every ounce of my life and how it is suppose to look but God has radically shook my view on control.  Because I am learning that one thing... I am not in control, I am not in control of the sad or joyful events that happen in my life but I am responsible for one thing is how...

How I am going to react to the life that God has for me, the ways and plans He has put before me.

This has been one of the most challenging years of my walk with the Lord but the remaining theme over and over is not ONCE has God abandoned me not once has He left me to fend for myself or fight my own battle.

No because God is fighting for me and His ways are good. I know God is going to use my story for His glory for His purpose and for His ways.
 
Last month a very act of injustice happened to me and that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy, I was so scared and confused but not once did I not feel the presence of God in my life leading me and guiding me to pray and seek His face through worship and prayer.

I sought the Lord daily and started to press into Him in ways I haven't pressed into God in a very long time. He gave me a peace that surpassed all understanding of when I found out I was pregnant, because it was an unplanned pregnancy that saved all of man kind.

Well last night was a very dark and silent night... For the child I was carrying went to be with their creator they went to meet the Saviour of this world. That was probably one of the hardest challenges I have faced for I felt alone last night a different kind of loneliness than I ever felt before. My world seemed empty and grey and colourless...

But then... God reminded me of how He knows what it is like to loose a child, to look down and see His only begotten Son hanging lifeless on a cross all bloody, bruised and broken...

God was silent... It was a silent day when Jesus breathed His last, mourning and sadness overcame Mary the mother the virgin who bore Jesus into this world. She also knows what it is like to loose a child.

I sit up late writing tonight because of how much I have been blessed by God. TO remember the things I have prayed for and God heard my cry and He came running to me but the most important cry was when I was at the bottom of the pit. When I was in 9th grade and wanting to take my own life wanting an escape from the pain that dwelt inside. And God came running and saved me from a life of darkness, He came RUNNING and embraced me...

And in the seasons of loss He still comes running and EMBRACES me. I am learning I may not have all my ducks in a row right now but I am certain of one thing these loss's have purpose they have a rich testimony to glorify the one who is worth to be worshiped who is worthy to be glorified. Not I but He. Greater is He who is in Me than He who is in the World.

Job had a lot of loss's in his life but not once did he ever turn his back on God. Not once did he ever say to God I am done I have had enough but he said "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

God gives and takes away but that doesn't change or effect His character for God is a God worthy of our complete and utter trust and that is what I am going to do. I don't know why these things have happened in my life but I am tired of them making me bitter and I want them to make me better. But more so me I want them to glorify the Father to bring Him the glory.

For Satan comes to only steal, kill and destroy but God comes that we may have life and life more abundantly...

I may have a lot of loss's but I have one Gain and it is the best gain....I have God fighting for me and God is on my side He goes before me and strengthens my arms for battle. He is my joy and His joy will be my strength. He is my shepherd and He will lead me and guide me and He will let me rest in His presence. I don't have to be afraid for His perfect love casts out all fear. I don't have to have all the case scenarios figured out in my life because His ways are higher than mine. I don't have to have it ever all together for He makes everything work together for those who love God. I don't have to rely on my understanding for God will give peace that surpasses my understanding.

I want people to see how big my God is. How great God is amidst pain.... amidst lost....

God is to be glorified and victory is the Lord's.

To His name be glorified forever and ever

Amen............


(Dedicated to my precious baby)

Rivers in the Wasteland

Where to even begin what is going on in my life right now... So many good things God is doing yet walking through some of the hardest things I have ever gone through in my life. In a sense I feel like Job for these past couple of months a lot has been taken away from me, my job, my health and very personal things that were so dear to my heart. But the one thing that hasn't been taken is my God. He is there holding me and supporting me. Pursing me with an endless love a love I don't think I will ever be able to fully comprehend it. I will say this that I have been drifting from my faith these past months and this past weekend was a wake up call to me. Something awful happened to me but it made me realize how much God is still there and hasn't ever left me one step of this journey. And I know He is starting something new something glorious in my life that is going to bring Him ultimate glory. 

God has shaken my world more this past week than in the past 8 years of walking with the Lord. He has taken me through many scriptures and has made His WORD alive in the darkest, deepest and most dead parts of my heart. 

I have been reading through Hosea and cannot help but weep and cry over the beautiful love of my Saviour. And the Redeeming love that is HIS character. Basically the story of Hosea is a God fearing man named Hosea who God commanded him to marry a prostitute named Gomer. And when she was loving other men Hosea was still chasing her and bought her back in more than full. 

And it got me thinking how much more am I like Gomer, I have been chasing after other lovers seeking what is suppose to make me "happy" but I end up on my face each and every time. But then God came running after me and in my nakedness He clothed me in His righteousness. God knows what it is like to be naked and afraid, He knows... So many people leave this out in art of Jesus hanging on the cross but the Bible is very clear that Jesus had no clothes and it is a horrific death but a beautiful ending the reason Christ died like that was so that He could clothe us in His righteousness. 

Anyways back to the story of Hosea it is my life theme right now is REDEEMING LOVE. In Hosea  2:14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her to the wilderness and I will there speak tenderly to her in love." 

God is Hosea's character that He speaks tenderly to us in love and in the wilderness it is not a bad thing for God is going to provide through the wilderness He will provide for all of our needs it is a matter is if we trust Him or not. 

I don't know what my tomorrow holds but I do know God's pursing love has not given up on me and that He will keep pursing me and wooing me with His sweet and beautiful love. I am that Gomer I was seeking after the ways of the world but God came and bought me back in full. He bought me through His precious blood of His only Son that it is the blood that washes all my sins away. 

The wilderness season is never a bad thing because it shows you where your faith lies and what it lies in. The God I serve I know will provide for all my needs and He will remain strong. He will constantly pursue me even at times when I have been faithless He remained Faithful to me just as Hosea remained Faithful to Gomer. 

I am so blessed to be where I am today and by the grace of God have air in my lungs and hands to worship God. I am a Child of God and He is mine. I do not have to be afraid for I am His. 

The Rocky Season.

You know I wish there was a book right next to Cinderella in your childhood that would prepare you for how being an adult is actually suppose to look like and feel like. I wish there was a simple fairy godmother that made magical pixie dust and your life was alright. Well I am going to be honest my life is so hard right now oh so many people can look at me and tell me at least it isn't cancer or you aren't on your death bed Mak cheer up. But for a minute I am going to be transparent and tell you how hard it is, how hard it is having an Auto Immune Disease and not only that but they recently found I have Endometriosis. It is hard being in pain almost 24/7 having my body flare up on me and being in so much pain I am in fetal position crying. My life is no fairy tale right now or some cheery, happy sunshine and skittles song but rather a dark and kind of sad song... I want to get better I want to wake up and have my life I used to have to be happy and healthy. To not be in pain and I know this has a reason and purpose in my life. I am thankful though... Oh wait Mak how can you be thankful when you just said you are miserable? Well let me tell you. I believe in a Sovereign and Mighty God who is walking by me every mile of this journey you know from time to time I thought God would be this crazy loud voice to keep pushing forward but that isn't so much right now but rather His voice is still and small whispering in my ear to keep moving, keep walking and keep going. Because this is just a still small moment in the grand scheme of things.We take a look in the bible of Job the Lord's servant who humble himself and still stood before God willing to do whatever would bring God the most glory, He didn't give up on God and nor will I give up on God. For He has a plan and purpose sometimes we may not see it right away but that doesn't me God isn't good. I am learning the more I lose myself the more I can find myself in Him for He has truly got my back and He is faithful despite me being faithless. I can't make my pain go away as much as I want to but I know in a sense I have been ultimately healed for there will be a day where there is no more sorrow and every tear will be wiped from their eyes. No childhood book ever prepares you for adulthood but I know for certain the Bible will guide me and challenge me to go deeper and to press through. For we are free to struggle but we are not struggling to be Free. Christ paid for my sickness when He went to Calvary and one day it is going to be the most amazing moment seeing my Lord and Saviour face to face. So slowly but surely I am relying on Him for my strength daily to get me through there are some days that pain is the worst and it sucks and I can't move but I know one person who will never give up on me is Jesus. For He is my light and Salvation, He is my Refuge and My Rock and My REDEEMER.......

Ordinary or More?

You know I am sitting here another day at work and just pondering my thoughts. Somethings I have been wanting to blog for a while just haven't found the words to complete my thoughts. Well I will start here my life is ordinary nothing over the edge exciting or worthy of a newspaper telling my story. I am just an ordinary nanny with smashed goldfish and petrified fruit snacks in the back of my car. I live in a simple house with a simple dog. I have a routine and a work schedule sometimes up to 60 hours a week. My life in my eyes has become so ordinary you know in high school I would have never thought my life would become this. I didn't think I would be a nanny for this season in my life I thought by now I would be married and have children. But God's plans are always better and that is something I am profoundly starting to realize. That God has a plan and it is good and who says these ordinary moments in my life aren't of greater and value and purpose then I put a price on them. The moments when I have two screaming children and a barking dog. The moments when the kids are just asleep on me on the couch. The simple moments of just planting flowers or getting the mail. The moments of vacuuming my little quaint home or doing yard work. I think so often in the Christian walk we emphasize that our lives once we accept Christ we are all going to be called to do EXTRA-ordinary things for Christ like be called to live in a jungle in Africa and a be a 3rd world missionary or do some extravagant backpacking trip across Europe to spread the gospel. But I am learning that God has a purpose for these ordinary moments when I talk to the kids about the God we serve they get it and they grasp it. And that is what God had purpose to glorify him in everything we do. Not just 3rd world trips but in these ordinary moments my life may seem dull to some like a black and white colouring book even to myself at times I think of that. How can my ordinary life possibly be making a difference but then I look to the Lord and He adds the colour to the picture he makes it come alive. I am nothing without Christ and I may not think my life is where it should be as a 21 year old but in God's eyes it is right where I am suppose to be. Due to health reasons I had to withdrawal from college last year in Canada and a friend last night was shocked that I didn't return, like I always did but I am learning what contentment is. It isn't looking for that next grand escape or that grand adventure it is living in the ordinary moments giving all credit and glory to God the author and perfector of our Faith. I don't know what tomorrow or next month or next year holds for me and I think it is so easy to become anxious about our future but to anxiety we are basically slapping God across the face saying my plan is better. But God knows what He is doing even if my life doesn't seem to be how I wanted it God's plan is always better and worth it. Recently I got diagnosed with an auto immune diease and it has been quite the challenge but who says this wasn't God's plan in the beginning because it has brought me so much closer to God. I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life and have begged God to take it away but it has remained in my life but I know see how much closer it has brought me to God how this has made me rely fully upon God for my strength and refuge. God is teaching me so much and I wanted to encourage you that we all live somewhat to a degree an ordinary life but it is through Christ we can now live an extraordinary life because through His blood we can take off our rose tinted glasses and see that everything we do is meant to bring God all the glory!!!

Blessings