In the Silence

Loss... that seems to be a ringing theme in my life right now and I question that word at times. At times I question why certain things happen and what I can do about it...And then in the back of my mind rings an answer as clear as morning dew nothing....


Nothing... I can't change the faces of loss's in my life from losing my job to losing something dear to my heart, to losing justice that was suppose to be served, to losing my own child this last week. I feel an a ray of emotions I feel empty and sad and devastated and angry from hurt to a deep sense of mourning and sadness.

But... I know of one thing is I haven't lost God, I haven't lost my faith I haven't lost the love that God has encompassed over me. I haven't lost Him one step of this journey. I haven't lost the grace and the mercy that He bestows daily upon my head. How he prepares a crown of beauty rather than ashes.

I think so often so much I want to control and micro manage every fiber of my being every ounce of my life and how it is suppose to look but God has radically shook my view on control.  Because I am learning that one thing... I am not in control, I am not in control of the sad or joyful events that happen in my life but I am responsible for one thing is how...

How I am going to react to the life that God has for me, the ways and plans He has put before me.

This has been one of the most challenging years of my walk with the Lord but the remaining theme over and over is not ONCE has God abandoned me not once has He left me to fend for myself or fight my own battle.

No because God is fighting for me and His ways are good. I know God is going to use my story for His glory for His purpose and for His ways.
 
Last month a very act of injustice happened to me and that resulted in an unplanned pregnancy, I was so scared and confused but not once did I not feel the presence of God in my life leading me and guiding me to pray and seek His face through worship and prayer.

I sought the Lord daily and started to press into Him in ways I haven't pressed into God in a very long time. He gave me a peace that surpassed all understanding of when I found out I was pregnant, because it was an unplanned pregnancy that saved all of man kind.

Well last night was a very dark and silent night... For the child I was carrying went to be with their creator they went to meet the Saviour of this world. That was probably one of the hardest challenges I have faced for I felt alone last night a different kind of loneliness than I ever felt before. My world seemed empty and grey and colourless...

But then... God reminded me of how He knows what it is like to loose a child, to look down and see His only begotten Son hanging lifeless on a cross all bloody, bruised and broken...

God was silent... It was a silent day when Jesus breathed His last, mourning and sadness overcame Mary the mother the virgin who bore Jesus into this world. She also knows what it is like to loose a child.

I sit up late writing tonight because of how much I have been blessed by God. TO remember the things I have prayed for and God heard my cry and He came running to me but the most important cry was when I was at the bottom of the pit. When I was in 9th grade and wanting to take my own life wanting an escape from the pain that dwelt inside. And God came running and saved me from a life of darkness, He came RUNNING and embraced me...

And in the seasons of loss He still comes running and EMBRACES me. I am learning I may not have all my ducks in a row right now but I am certain of one thing these loss's have purpose they have a rich testimony to glorify the one who is worth to be worshiped who is worthy to be glorified. Not I but He. Greater is He who is in Me than He who is in the World.

Job had a lot of loss's in his life but not once did he ever turn his back on God. Not once did he ever say to God I am done I have had enough but he said "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

God gives and takes away but that doesn't change or effect His character for God is a God worthy of our complete and utter trust and that is what I am going to do. I don't know why these things have happened in my life but I am tired of them making me bitter and I want them to make me better. But more so me I want them to glorify the Father to bring Him the glory.

For Satan comes to only steal, kill and destroy but God comes that we may have life and life more abundantly...

I may have a lot of loss's but I have one Gain and it is the best gain....I have God fighting for me and God is on my side He goes before me and strengthens my arms for battle. He is my joy and His joy will be my strength. He is my shepherd and He will lead me and guide me and He will let me rest in His presence. I don't have to be afraid for His perfect love casts out all fear. I don't have to have all the case scenarios figured out in my life because His ways are higher than mine. I don't have to have it ever all together for He makes everything work together for those who love God. I don't have to rely on my understanding for God will give peace that surpasses my understanding.

I want people to see how big my God is. How great God is amidst pain.... amidst lost....

God is to be glorified and victory is the Lord's.

To His name be glorified forever and ever

Amen............


(Dedicated to my precious baby)