In The Waiting He is Ever Faithful

Faithful He is.. and ALL His promises are YES and AMEN. 

I think often about how many seasons in my life I have been through. Seasons of becoming a new Christian back in 2008, then to a season of high school shaping who I would grow into becoming a young adult and then my season in Canada. The seasons of nannying in my home town and finding my roots and my identity. Then moving  onward to Idaho and then eventually finding my way back to Colorado after many years of longing to be back in this beautiful state. In every season I have seen His faithfulness, God's hand upon this journey I have called life.

And my goodness has it ever been beautiful but painful along the way. But He has been there every step of the way, every moment and every breath. I have seen how much I have grown and sometimes I get in a dry season or a severe drought but never the less His love for me never failed. He meets me where the road goes, He meets me at my brokenness. He meets me with grace that abounds and love that never fails. 

I am in a season of my life that I cannot wait to be a mom, I know the day will happen and to trust the timing. Every miscarriage God has been there caressing my fragile heart with His strong love. Knowing the pain the deep pain of feeling as there is a hole in my heart that will always be there. There are moments like tonight that I hear Him and I trust Him. He says all His promises are YES and AMEN in Him. He will make my paths straight. But He meets on this road, this broken but beautiful road. I think of often how glorious of day that must have been that all my babies all 6 of them the first thing they saw was the face of Jesus. How beautiful that must have been. 

God isn't insensitive to my pain, my goodness how He loves deeply and widely. If anything over the years I have learned is that God hold my heart. He sees the pain but He is the one to mend and cure my pain. He says in His word that He will give the infertile woman children making her home a very happy home. (Psalms 113:9) HE cannot lie and if He says this will happen it will happen. For it is God who blesses life. Whether that life comes naturally from me or in the arms of adoption He is in control. I am in a season of my life where I am starting to find new roots what my life will look like in my late 20's. But He writes the story.

My love tonight asked me a question have I lived the life I've wanted to live? My answer to that is that I have lived the life that God has had planned out for me even when I haven't been following the Lord as closely as I should be that doesn't mean His plan didn't prevail. I am right where God wants me to be. I am right where I belong. It is true He can turn the most desert place in my heart into the most vibrant garden. There is nothing that HE cannot do. 

I think for so often I've looked to Dr's instead of the Great Dr. the dr. who can heal me, now by in no means am I saying Dr's are pointless no many dr's have helped me but now I am at the end of the road with my fertility issues that nothing else can be done. But God knows and He knows my pain. But this isn't the end of my story I know for a fact He isn't done and I am believing it. He knows us inside out and day after day His love is endless for us. 

I started my roots in 2008 but I feel like I have put God in a box, stating oh you can do this x,y and z but you can't do these plans, but that's not the God I serve. Sometimes faith is so easy to say but mentally it can be challenge to the point it feels like God isn't listening or has turned a cold heart to your broken heart but I have learned over the years that is not how God operates, He moves when He feels like moving, He is greater and on His throne. He is the God who doesn't slumber. He is such a God of restoration, redemption and second chances. He is the God who is Peace, Love and Justice. In the end His will is ever higher than my own. So Here is to the next season whatever it may hold may it be a beautiful season of growth.....

If you ever need prayer I am here and I will pray with you no matter what time of day, 

May the Lord bless you and May He make His face shine upon you. 

Forget Me Not

 I don’t even know where to begin with this post but I wanted to verbalize these emotions that seem to be tearing me apart.... 

Raw, vulnerable and real moments that’s what makes up life some times..

And from the pain we can maybe make something beautiful if we try... 

The number tonight is 6. I don’t talk about this often enough but maybe if I talked about it more the pain would lessen every time I talked about. We can only hope the pain would subside. 

Something so incredibly hard but it needs to be talked about. 

6... 6 times that test was positive, 6 times my heart would flutter and be overflowing, overwhelmed that it would be a reality. 6 deaths though.... endless nights of pain and frustration. 

6 miscarriages... 

This is something so heavy on my heart something I lay awake at night pondering why my body can’t do what it’s suppose to do. 

Does anyone hear this pain? Do you feel it!!

This pain isn’t just some temporary pain it’s surface level deep. Can God really hold me in the mourning in the gray mornings when tears seem to be the only weather for the day. 

They say it gets easier but does it really every pregnancy announcement seems to be a knife to the depths of my heart. 

Cutting me open till I bleed over and over... 

They say someday it will happen but right now I don’t know how... I don’t know how it will be. 

But God He says he remains faithful... 

Can the pain subside? Will it get easier? Will the rainbow come after the storm...  

They say pain makes you stronger but I think pain can create a stain glass portrait of the areas in your heart that are full of decay... 

They say you’re not alone in suffering through a miscarriage it happens sadly to 1 in 4... but what about the other 3 who haven’t experienced this pain... 

The 1... that’s who I’m speaking to. The 1... your pain is valid and your voice matters, your baby mattered...

All my children are in heaven and that will be a glorious wonderful day when I can see them face to face... a beautiful quote I once heard was “Imagine the first thing your baby saw was the face of Jesus”... 

But the pain... 

Only God knows... there can still be a miracle... 

Late night wanderings in my brain and my heart.