Forget Me Not

 I don’t even know where to begin with this post but I wanted to verbalize these emotions that seem to be tearing me apart.... 

Raw, vulnerable and real moments that’s what makes up life some times..

And from the pain we can maybe make something beautiful if we try... 

The number tonight is 6. I don’t talk about this often enough but maybe if I talked about it more the pain would lessen every time I talked about. We can only hope the pain would subside. 

Something so incredibly hard but it needs to be talked about. 

6... 6 times that test was positive, 6 times my heart would flutter and be overflowing, overwhelmed that it would be a reality. 6 deaths though.... endless nights of pain and frustration. 

6 miscarriages... 

This is something so heavy on my heart something I lay awake at night pondering why my body can’t do what it’s suppose to do. 

Does anyone hear this pain? Do you feel it!!

This pain isn’t just some temporary pain it’s surface level deep. Can God really hold me in the mourning in the gray mornings when tears seem to be the only weather for the day. 

They say it gets easier but does it really every pregnancy announcement seems to be a knife to the depths of my heart. 

Cutting me open till I bleed over and over... 

They say someday it will happen but right now I don’t know how... I don’t know how it will be. 

But God He says he remains faithful... 

Can the pain subside? Will it get easier? Will the rainbow come after the storm...  

They say pain makes you stronger but I think pain can create a stain glass portrait of the areas in your heart that are full of decay... 

They say you’re not alone in suffering through a miscarriage it happens sadly to 1 in 4... but what about the other 3 who haven’t experienced this pain... 

The 1... that’s who I’m speaking to. The 1... your pain is valid and your voice matters, your baby mattered...

All my children are in heaven and that will be a glorious wonderful day when I can see them face to face... a beautiful quote I once heard was “Imagine the first thing your baby saw was the face of Jesus”... 

But the pain... 

Only God knows... there can still be a miracle... 

Late night wanderings in my brain and my heart.